Auto-Immune Auto-response

Hello. Thank you for calling the Virtual Memorial Hospital Auto-Immune Disease Auto-Response Line.™ If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and call 911.

Para español, presione el número “1“.

Kreyòl ayisyen pou peze nimewo “2”.

Za Hrvatski, pritisnite broj “3”.

“4” עבור עברית, הקש מספר

For any other language, please hang up and call 911. To continue in English, press “0” or stay on the…


Thank you. Which auto-immune disease are you calling about?

For Rheumatoid arthritis, press “1”.

For Lupus, press “2”.

For Sjögren’s syndrome, press “3”.

If you know what the two dots over the “o” in Sjögren are for, press “4”.

For Thrombocytopenic purpura, press “5”.

If you can explain to us what Thrombocytopenic purpura is, press “6”.

For psoriasis, press “7”.

For Multiple Sclerosis, press “8”.



Welcome to the Multiple Sclerosis Auto-Response System.™ If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and call 911.

Everything you need to know can be found on our web site. If you haven’t read the 17 pages of information on our web site, please hang up and consult it now, otherwise, please press “0”.


Have you really read the web pages?

If you haven’t, press “1”.

If you have, press “2”.


We know you’re lying, but we appreciate your persistence.

If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911. Otherwise, press “0”.


If you want to make an appointment, press “1”.

If you want more information about MS, press “2”.

If you have a question about billing, insurance, or the meaning of life, press “3”.

If your phone has no “3” on it, but you still want to know the meaning of life, press “4”.

If you need help figuring out where your next subcutaneous shot should go, press “5”.

If you are having an exacerbation, press “6”.

If you don’t know what an exacerbation is, press “7”.

If you’re having an exasperation™, press “8”.


We’re sorry you’re having an exasperation.™ Unfortunately, we don’t treat those, we only cause them. Please press any key to return to the previous menu.


Are you sure this isn’t a medical emergency? The way you pushed that button didn’t sound so good. If this is a medical emergency, hang up and call 911. Otherwise, press “0”.


If you’ve come this far, you’re probably desperate.

If you need to get talked down off a 12th story ledge, press “1”.

For ledges above the 12th story, press “2”.

For ledges less than 12 stories, we think you can take your chances.

If you want to speak to a physician, press “9”.


Using your phone’s keypad, please spell the physician’s name.


We’re sorry, but that name is not recognized. If you have vision or coordination problems that prevent you from correctly entering the 10-letter names of our doctors on a keypad the size of a postage stamp, please say the name of the physician you want to speak to.

We’re sorry. The name you said wasn’t recognized. If aphasia is one of your MS symptoms, our voice recognition system can’t understand your selection. Please stay on the line while we play 10 minutes of Kenny G.™

<10 minutes of Kenny G>

Thank you for waiting. If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and call 911.

If you really thought you’d get to speak to a real human physician, you could be delusional.

Please press “1” to speak to a psychologist.

Please press “2” to speak to someone in the office who doesn’t understand our phone system and will cut you off.

Please press “3” to speak to our Virtual Auto-Response Doctor.™


We’re sorry, but all our Virtual Auto-Response Doctors™ are being backed up and are unavailable at the moment. Please press 9 to return to the previous menu… or press any key. They all go to the same place anyway.™


Are you really still trying to get through? Press 0 to continue.


We’re sorry, but our system is confused and can’t remember what the previous menu was.

Please press “1” to hear the sound of a “1” being pressed.

Please press “2” to return to the main menu and start this whole nightmare over again.

Please press “ctl-alt-del” to reboot the system.™

Please press “0” to speak to a live operator.


All our operators are busy looking for work because we replaced them all with this automated system. Your call is important to us, just not important enough to spend money to have human beings answer the phones. Automated systems don’t require medical coverage. You know how expensive that can be.

If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and call 911.

If you’ve had it up to here with this system, please throw your phone against a nearby wall and stomp up and down in frustration. If you are unable to stomp up and/or down because of your disability, please press “1”.


If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and call 911.

If you’ve forgotten why you called the Auto-Immune Auto-Response Line™ in the first place, please press “9”.



This post was inspired by a friend who mentioned how difficult it is to get through these automated phone systems. As with everything else, it’s even harder with MS. Writing this was as much fun as going through such a system is painful.


About rickconti

It's not about me, remember?
This entry was posted in MS and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Auto-Immune Auto-response

  1. Sandy Sullivan says:

    Very creative!
    Bottle the energy and solve the problems!
    Thanks for the fun post! 😘

    • rickconti says:

      I’m a firm believer that creativity is therapeutic. It doesn’t have to be good, it just has to express our hearts. Frustration – and there’s not much more frustrating than this kind of thing – needs a creative outlet. Thanx for your thoughts, Sandy.

  2. Susan L Fedric says:

    LOL!!! Precisely! Good job, Rick!

    • rickconti says:

      As absurd as my example is, it often feels that way, doesn’t it? I actually gave up trying to go to a new neurologist because I couldn’t find a way through the phone maze at his hospital. I figured, if they make it that hard for someone who’s trying to become a new patient, I don’t want to know the hoops I’d have to go through once they had me!

      Good to hear from you, Susan.

  3. Jeffrey Marshall says:

    Brilliant, absolutely brilliant and spot on too!

    • rickconti says:

      And in case you weren’t aware, it was your question at the support group that inspired it!

      “Press ‘1943fj89ff83fw8z3h8hrh 2ujxxfh8h’ to speak to a human being.” 🙂

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